“i know,” i said, and he didn’t even ask me how i knew. so i put my hand on his skinny chest and felt him breathe for the rest of the class. at one point i kissed his forehead, the part of it that’s almost at his hair. it might not have been significant to him, but right then i felt like a lynx.
noah.

“i wanna kiss your forehead,” he said, and then he did, quick and awkward, probably getting my hair in his mouth. i put my head on his chest and didn’t look at him until he left. i felt like somebody’s little sister. i had to pee.
joey.

“okay,” she said, and then she closed her eyes and pouched out her lips slightly, nervously. i kissed her forehead instead. i felt odd, and guilty, and powerful.
cati.

“no, it won’t be good,” he said, and i was angry, and didn’t know what it meant and i wanted to fight, but more than that, i wanted him to kiss my forehead, just my forehead. i kept brushing my hair out of my face, but then i settled for some sad hug. i remembered what it felt like instantly and it frightened me. i felt like a sheared sheep.
paul.

for carolyn

when her tapered fingers smear paint that
beam pridefully back at its creator
there is a soft pink light about her
the faded memory of some upside-down flower
the mystery of the the other half of the house.
she knew it well and drank it up
like chocolate milk though a straw in the garage,

and we were all envious.

i was living like a pet bird in her clasped hands
i, for a minute was the sound of her new carpet
the squeaking swing in that old backyard
cap nap dreams of cutting diamonds or,
some soft and shy laugh growing loud over the fan

and then she woke up.

early.

i have a friend named andrew fearon, who lives in northern ireland. northern ireland is like 99% white people. he thinks i am poetic and quirky, and talking to him makes me feel sobered and appreciated and also SO SO WONDERFUL.

he hasn’t even met me but he thinks i am funny, and he takes me seriously.

i told him today that i think ears are the prettiest things in the world, that i think beauty collects in fractal structures to protect the innocent (and everyone is innocent), and that i think scrotums are as adorable and as charming as a pug puppy or a hairless cat.

he told me that he loves to kiss his girlfriend’s collarbone, that he weighs double me (false), and that he thinks the clitoris, both in its name and its function is the most beautiful thing in the world.

i wanna go on a date with someone who likes me. not loves, me, but LIKES me. who thinks i am cute and interesting and wants to know more about the way i am. i want to get dressed up and show off a little.i want to be shivery and smiley and “coquettish” because i learned the word while reading the secret garden and i loved it.

paul and mine’s first date was very fun. we ate ice cream and watched the dargeeling limited. i was happier than ever. he liked me and i liked him, and we laughed and said things to reveal little pieces of our person and man oh man it was fun!

i wanna do that again, even if it doesn’t end in love, or sex, or anything. i just wanna run around and be happy and hold hands or something. i don’t wanna worry about anything, for at least two hours or so.

i am young, i am not so happy so often, circumstances are not perfect, or really even that GOOD, but man am i thankful for what i have got.